3 F*^KING THOUSAND REASONS NOT TO SWEAR

How many people have never sworn when playing sport? 

I would say the answer is next to zero. 

Sport is about passion at any level. Most people playing sport want to win, because let’s be honest, no-one remembers second. In the most famous 100m race of Olympic history, in 1988, can you tell me who came second? (After Ben Johnson was disqualified). 

Australian cricket captain, Michael Clarke has been fined $3,000 for his swearing and sledge at English fast bowler, Jimmy Anderson, in the most recent Ashes Test. 

Australia were more on top of the Poms than Neil Armstrong was on the moon, yet Clarke felt compelled to issue the English fast bowler with his now infamous spray, “get ready for a broken f*^king arm”. 

It wasn’t necessary. The captain on board the Titanic should have seen the iceberg. That was necessary. The Secret Service and FBI should have searched the ‘grassy knoll’. That was necessary. 

I’m no Jerry Seinfeld, but the sledge wasn’t particularly funny. Maybe Clarke should spend some time talking to the great sledgers to get some better material for next time. 

Some of the classic gems from cricket include these three: 

Ian Botham arrived at the crease and Aussie wicket keeper, Rod Marsh said to him “So how’s your wife and my kid’s?”. Botham replied with “Wife’s fine. Kid’s are retarded.” 

Mark Waugh copped a spray from Englishmen James Ormond. Ormond came out to bat and Waugh started off with “What are you doing out here? You’re too sh!t to play for England!”. Ormond replied with “Maybe so, but at least I’m the best player in my family.” 

Finally, South African Daryll Cullinan got a one up on his nemesis, Shane Warne. They hadn’t played for a few years, so when Warne’s bunny hopped onto his turf, Shane had to say something. “I’ve been waiting two years for another chance at you“. Cullinan shot back with “Looks like you spent it eating.” 

The above three examples are clever, funny sledges which are now famous in cricket world. 

Clarke didn’t really need to attack Anderson and by inferring he wanted to break his arm, I believe is going over the top. 

He is not a captain in park cricket. He is the Australian captain and while he can blame technology for being too good and capturing his every word, he knows full well what microphones are designed for. He speaks in to one after every days play and they’ve only ever amplified his words, not muffled them. 

As mentioned earlier, I believe everyone swears in sport, but this was a particularly unnecessary and spiteful sledge and not the type of thing which should be said by a man holding a prestigious position within Australian sport.  

The biggest loser is Kyly Boldy who will be getting a few less presents this Christmas, due to her husbands pent up energy, after the Australians have lost nine test matches on the Jonathon Trott.

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AUSTRALIAN’S DONATE BIG- ON HORSES

The race where the TAB gets donations from people all over Australia, is also called the Melbourne Cup.

 Strange that people won’t donate $10 to a charity of a worthy cause, yet they will happily part with their hard earned on a pony, they probably won’t even watch run anyway, because they can’t see the TV screen, or they are too busy guzzling the free champagne their work has put on.

Why does the Melbourne Cup stop the nation?

Is it that everyone loves the race so much? Is it that no-one else has anything better to do? Or is it simply that we just need an excuse to down pens or stop tapping at the keyboard? For three and a half minutes it’s probably the only time facebook and twitter won’t have mundane updates also about babies and breaking news of cats stuck in trees.

Who cares why this race stops the nation. It does a better job than the lollypop people at pedestrian crossings, so just enjoy.

No-one really has a clue about the Melbourne Cup and that includes me, too.

A lot of people will be going to the toilet from too many beers, so if you go to the dunny, you’ll find Dunaden in there as well. Flush this horse away. People say certain horses win only once on a Green Moon and this happened last year. There will be no Green Moon this year, but there is a high tidal chance of a Sea Moon.

Racing from barrier 76 will make it tough for Red Cadeaux and while the Pink Panther has done some handy work over the years, the Brown Panther (funny name for a horse), which doesn’t come from Penrith, will be back to the Western Plains Zoo after this outing.

The gay community will be on Gai’s horse, Fiorente and every straight person should be too. Good jockey, good barrier, good preparation, good hopes. Foreteller is like my spag bol; ok but not great. I’m no fortune teller, but am a Foreteller and say this horse will run a solid 9th. I’d rather have a wine at the Bambino Trust than invest on Dandino and Ethiopia should be renamed EthiNOpia. Looking forward to eating my words when this horse wins.

Most people use a knife and fork to eat dinner and they’ll be using their knife with their Fawkner when it’s served on a menu. I’ll be telling a few yarns after the race, but I won’t be telling a Mourayan. Seville is a great tourist destination and quite possibly I’ll be drinking a few sangria’s after the race, as this one could be the toast of the town. I’m off to the Super Bowl, which will be Super Cool, but won’t be putting my super annuation on this thing. 

Halloween has come and gone, so fancy outfits should be out the window. Masked Marvel races like he is masked, blindfolded, hoof-cuffed and is all over the joint- the Snoop Dog of the field. Athos could be the beer of choice if Mount Athos crosses the line first. Named after the Greek Mountain, he will have the Greek gods on his side. 

There is a pub called the Royal in almost all parts of Australia and when my pick, Royal Empire wins, expect golden ale to be flowing in many pubs. Now I’ve picked this horse, get off it quickly.

I feel sorry for the race caller having to mumble through Voleuse De Coeurs, but this is another one of my favourites. I’ll be practicing pronunciation so I can boast clearly and fluently that this was one of my picks. 

Hawk eye won’t be used for Hawkspur to see if it finishes in the places and I have a soft spot for Simenon. Similar name to my Father and has a jockey with my surname. So, yep- can’t win. I’ve stayed at plenty of Ibis hotels, but won’t be staying at the Ibicenco. Verema is a quality mare from France, the Bridgette Bardot of the field and definitely one for the exotics.

Singo will be making a few indecent proposals on Dear Demi and why not. Big chance. Who knows how many other indecent proposals will be made if this girl gets up. 

Google said Tres Blue mean’s ‘Three Blue’. Light blue, dark blue, you’ll have the blues if you bet on this and I’ll be drowning my sorrows on a Lemon Ruski or Lemocello if Ruscello passes the post before 23 others.

Just to remind you which horses not to waste your money on like I will be- they are Royal Empire, Voleuse De Couers (hard enough to write) and Sea Moon.

If you don’t waste enough money today, do what I’m about to do also and lease a horse through www.bloodstockonline.com.au .

Hope you get on the right filly!